a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
