Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
