I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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