Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
