I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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