Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
