whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
