Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize