I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
