is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
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I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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