What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
