Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
