i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
