you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
