The maid of honor just puked.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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