I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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