I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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