Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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