I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
