Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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