I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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