Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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