my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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