Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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