the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
