Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I didn't notice because vodka
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
