My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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