walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
