Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
did you just send me my own nude
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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