Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
