his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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