She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
