My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
