News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
