Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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