You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
