i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
