I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
