i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
