just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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