So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
