New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
