he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
