I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
