My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
