my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
