My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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