I am midnight drunk by noon
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
