3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
