I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
