Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
