I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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