I'm pants shitting drunk right now
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
