I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
he shaved USA in his pubs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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