My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Randomize
