even my farts smell like vagina
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
