Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
