I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
