You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
