Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize