Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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