Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
