so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
