i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
