My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
