I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
